Where the hell are my tweezers?
by Black Wyvern
Summary: Barret has lost his MASTER Tweezers. Can a small portion of Avalanche help him get them back?


Where the hell are my tweezers?????  
  
By: Black Wyvern  
  
Note: Please disregard the fact that Aeris is dead, this is a comedy, maybe if I make a serious fic sometime I will bring her back to life but for the time being just read and laugh.  
  
One day at Tifa's new bar in Nibelheim Barret was looking for his master tweezers.  
  
"ARRGGGHHH!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE MY TWEEZERS!!?? I NEED THEM NOW!!!!" Barret screamed in frenzied rage. "Okay. must. keep. calm. I must not go on a machine-gunning rage in the bar. Tifa would be mad," thought the burly man as he took deep breaths. "AHHHHHHHHH SCREW IT" ,he said as he let off bullet after bullet from his gun-arm, breaking bottles, glasses and anything else that had the bad luck to be hanging around.  
  
Just then Tifa, Red, Cloud and Aeris came up from the basement.  
  
"Hey Barret, we though we heard something so-- Uh-Oh." ,said Cloud as he surveyed the damaged bar.  
  
"BARRET YOU BETTER HAVE A DAMNED GOOD EXCUSE FOR THIS", yelled Tifa, her face so red that it looked like a rotten tomato.  
  
"Uh. I lost my. uh tweezers? replied Barret timidly. Tifa looked like she was about to explode, so Barret dived for cover behind the couch.  
  
"Uh Tifa I think you should let him get of easy for this one, you know how Barret gets irritated we he can't use his uh. tweezers." , whispered Cloud in a voice that you would use to talk to nothing less explosive than a hydrogen bomb.  
  
"Oh, your right, you would probably be acting the same way if you were in his uh. situation."  
  
"But I'm not!"  
  
"Well."  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"No of course you're not, ***cough***, but anyway it's not Barret's fault he's in this situation, it's because of genetics."  
  
"Exactly!" said Barret who was slowly coming out of his hiding spot seeing that the coast was clear.  
  
"I think that we should help Barret to find his tweezers", said Red.  
  
"Me too!", piped up Aeris.  
  
"Okay then, it's settled, we find Barret some tweezers, Tifa, you stay here with him and look around the bar to see if he lost them anywhere, Red, Aeris and me will go see if we can get another pair at the store", said Cloud getting back into his usual leadership mode.  
  
"Remember, get MASTER tweezers, MASTER.", specified Barret in a freaky tone.  
  
"O----kay" replied Aeris.  
  
And with that the group of three set of in search of tweezers or, the nearest convenience store.  
  
***On the porch***  
  
As Cloud, Red and Aeris stepped out of the bar, they looked around to find that the little town of Nibelheim had disappeared and in its place was, well, absolutely nothing. Cloud knew exactly what to say in this situation, a saying so great, so profound, so simply amazing that it would blow away everyone standing within a 100 kilometre radius, but instead what came out was:  
  
"Wuddahell?"  
  
"I must say this is amazing and must be studied further", countered Red in awe.  
  
Aeris, always sensible, asked,  
  
"So how do we get to the store now".  
  
"Well. we could jump", proposed Cloud.  
  
"Oh great plan, so let me get this straight, we jump into a pit so high that we can't even see the bottom and fall to our deaths", said Red in a sarcastic tone.  
  
"It's a risk I'm willing to take to get my good friend Barret some tweezers" replied Cloud resolutely.  
  
The he jumped.  
  
***Falling in the pit***  
  
"Oh great plan commander Clod" grumbled Aeris.  
  
"Hey gimme a break, I think it's the best one yet."  
  
"Wow even the one the one where we went to our certain deaths to go kill Sephiroth?" asked Red.  
  
"Hey it worked didn't it?".  
  
"Pfft", said Red and Aeris together.  
  
A while of falling later.  
  
"Hey, why is my face getting wet all of the sudden?", asked Aeris.  
  
Vincent, who was floating under her, answered in a shy voice "That would be me, I'm afraid of heights",  
  
"ARE SAYING THAT YOU PISSED ON ME!!!?"  
  
"Well yes, to put it that way"  
  
"What are you doing here, and how did your piss float up onto ME!"  
  
"Well, Cloud had his PHS on in his pocket, and because of Hojo's slight modifications I receive phone signals, it's really cool when I want to eavesdrop on peoples private calls, and in answer to your second question, my urine floated up to you because, as you know, I can float"  
  
"Yes?", asked Aeris pressing for more of the valuable information.  
  
"And I suppose that since urine is a secretion of my body it can... well... also float"  
  
"Oh great", replied Aeris, "Does that mean your droppings float too?"  
  
"Well, your about to find out" replied Vincent.  
  
"AHHHHH!!!!"  
  
The group is then automatically teleported to a dark, large, cavern.  
  
***In God's Lair***  
  
"Whoa, close one!" sighed Aeris, "Vincent you should get those protective underwear that they show on T.V."  
  
"I find them an inhospitable location for my genitals", replied Vincent.  
  
"Wow big place", said Cloud looking the cave, which was so big that you couldn't see any of its side, if, their were any.  
  
"SHUT UP", boomed a deep voice from the back of the large cave,  
  
"Sorry sir we just-", tried to explain Cloud before he was cut off,  
  
"I SAID SHUT UP!" repeated the voice.  
  
"Okay, okay", said finished in a very, very small voice.  
  
"You people are so stupid I-", started to say God,  
  
"I think that you would find that my brain mass is not at all-", tried to reply Red,  
  
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE CAN'T YOU LET ME SPEAK" yelled God sounding very annoyed. The group stayed silent. "I believe" continued God, "That if you had been paying attention you would have noticed a store just to your left that, I think, may just sell tweezers" ,he finished with a smug expression on his face having finally finished what he had to say.  
  
"May I inquire what you are talking about, there is nothing on our-", but, as soon as Vincent had uttered those words the gang was in front of a store.  
  
***Store Porch***  
  
"Man what a hard-ass", muttered Cloud.  
  
"I HEARD THAT", boomed a huge voice from the sky.  
  
Upon hearing this Cloud ran into the store narrowly escaping a bolt of lighting which was aimed for his spiky head.  
  
"Well back to business" said Red looking around at the huge shop, "How could we miss this store?".  
  
"I, for one, had genital secretions in my eyes", answered Aeris, while glowering at a Vincent who was slowly backing away.  
  
"Hey, look at what the sign says!", exclaimed Vincent who was desperate to change the subject.  
  
"What? Tweezer-Mart?", replied Aeris,  
  
"No the other ones".  
  
"Ohhhh, fifty percent off on all tweezers", continued Red.  
  
"Yeah, a stroke of luck eh", said Vincent jovially, "Lets go in".  
  
***Inside the Twezeer-Mart***  
  
As the group entered the large store they found Cloud pressing the clerk for information:  
  
"I', asking you for the last time, do you carry tweezers?", asked Cloud, who had obviously been there for a while judging by the angry tone of his voice  
  
"No, of course not, what could possibly make you think that we sold tweezers!" replied the clerk as if insulted.  
  
"Well" said Cloud "There are the signs, your store name, the fact that this whole place is filled with nothing but tweezer boxes, and also-"  
  
"Fair enough" answered the clerk "I'm sorry but I've only been working here for a month and a half and I don't know everything that this job entitles"  
  
"And you're only a clerk?", asked Aeris,  
  
"No, I'm also the manager and C.E.O." replied the clerk/manager/C.E.O..  
  
"So you do all these jobs at a specialty store and you don't know what you sell", asked Vincent.  
  
"That's exactly it", confirmed the store owner, "But, now that I think about it I think I may just have what you're looking for.  
  
***In the Tweezer-Mart's Basement***  
  
With that the clerk led the group down a long twisting flight of stairs all the way to a large dungeon-like room. In the centre of the room there was a long bridge that expanded over a huge pit that seemed to be so deep that you couldn't see the bottom.  
  
"So you're sure that we can get some Master Tweezers down here?" asked Cloud while he swatted cob-webs away with his sword.  
  
"Yeah" said Aeris while she rubbed her temples, "My Planet sense is tingling".  
  
"Bah" replied the clerk "It happens when I bring people down here".  
  
"Are you sure this is safe" asked Red, who was having a hard time keeping his balance on the small bridge that they were walking across.  
  
"Of course it, I installed some rails just last wee- AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" screamed the clerk as he fell into the dark pit.  
  
"I think he meant the rails on the other bridge over there" said Vincent pointing to another bridge that looked almost exactly the same as the one they were standing except it had some shifty looking rails attached to it.  
  
"Bah, he wouldn't have been of much use to the world anyway", replied Aeris, looking over the spot where the storeowner fell, most certainly to his death.  
  
"Lets just get those tweezers and leave, okay?" said Cloud, who was obviously getting anxious to leave the decomposing dungeon.  
  
As they continued on the bridge, they finally got to a small podium that was flooded in light from an undetermined location. On the podium was a small box and on it, was written the following: Master© brand tweezers for all your tweezing needs! Go Master©!  
  
"Well, this looks like what we need" ,said Red with a doubtful expression on his face as he sniffed it.  
  
"Yes, but what I'm wondering is why they put some tweezers on a podium in the middle of a dungeon" replied Vincent slowly.  
  
"Bah who cares!" said Cloud as he took the little box off of its podium, then, all of a sudden some loud speakers fired up and said: "INTRUDER ALERT INTUDER ALERT"  
  
"YOU ARE THE DUMMEST PERSON ON THE PLANET CLOUD" screamed Aeris as they ran out of the dungeon. Just as they got through, the doors bolted shut behind them.  
  
They had gotten back to the bright man hall of the Tweezer-Mart safely.  
  
"Keep calm, Aeris, we're out now, it's all okay", said Vincent trying to settle things down.  
  
"Shuddap piss-head" she muttered in return.  
  
"What I'm wondering is why there were all the chainsaw armed robots on rocket powered roller-skates around the basement of the Tweezer-Mart?" asked Cloud a perplexed image on his face.  
  
"Sigh, why did it have a basement at all?" replied Red.  
  
"Hey, how do we get back up to the bar?" pondered Vincent aloud"  
  
"I have an idea!" said Cloud, he then continued in a very loud voice: "OH ALMIGHTY GOD, WE CONJURE YOU, WE ASK OF YOU PLEASE BRING US BACK TO TIFA'S BAR SO WE CAN DELIVER THIS ITEM OF ETERNAL HAPPINESS PLEASE AWNSER THIS CALL"  
  
"Uh hello this is God, I'm not here right now so. pick one of the following options" a woman's voice then took over God's small speech.  
  
"To find eternal happiness, yell one, to find enlightenment yell two, to find the meaning of life, yell three, if you wish to contact Satan, yell extension 666, if you wish to be teleported to a certain area, yell four and the location you wish to be teleported to."  
  
"That's it!" said Cloud his voice full of excitement, a contrast to the boring voice, "Ahem, FOUR, TIFA's BAR"  
  
***Meanwhile at the bar.***  
  
"Must find tweezers. must find tweezers" said Barret trying his best to keep calm in the dire situation.  
  
"Barret keep calm, they're just tweezers, and besides, I'm sure the Cloud will find some more for you", replied Tifa.  
  
"Just tweezers, JUST TWEEZERS", screamed Barret, building up rage over his tragic loss, "TIFA THEY ARE THE MASTER TWEEZERS, MAAAASSSTTTEEERRR!!!!!!!" finished Barret in explosive temper.  
  
"Okay, okay, I just don't find it very healthy to get worked up over something so sma- I mean this uh. situation", she said slowly not wanting to set the big man off again.  
  
"Fine" he answered in an angry tone, and continued with the search of the bar, which, by now, looked even worse then it did when Barret had filled the walls with lead because of his rudimentary search plan: pick up, search, throw out window. Of course sometimes he missed, and whatever it was he threw shattered on the wall and covered the ground in shards of, well, whatever it was he had thrown.  
  
Just as Barret was going to start looking through every single bottle in the room the doorbell rang:  
  
"Hey Barret we have some tweezers for you, I hope you like them, we had a little bit of trouble getting a hold of them" said Cloud through the window.  
  
"Well bring them in here fool!" replied Barret who was by now positively drooling at the prospect of having some new tweezers  
  
"Ok here I come. hey the door wont open"  
  
"Oh yeah that would be me" said Barret while clearing away the huge pile of rubble that had found it's way in front of the door. With the crap cleared up, nothing was left to stop the gang from delivering the precious package they had in their possession.  
  
"Here are your tweezers Barret I hope you make good use of them" said Cloud as he gave Barret his equipment.  
  
Just then, the ghost of the store clerk/manager/C.E.O. appeared and said in a ghostly tone:  
  
"That will be 12,95, ouhhhhhhh"  
  
"Shut up!" replied Aeris who, rightfully, was not too happy with the recent turn of events. She then opened the door and threw the spirit form out the door and off the balcony.  
  
"Wow" said Vincent "Déjà vu"  
  
"He was a ghost after all" finished Red.  
  
***Later that day.***  
  
The gang was all sitting around one of the bar tables enjoying a quiet drink. Tifa had gotten the entire bar refurbished because no one wanted to help clean the place up.  
  
when Vincent asked: "So Barret what DO you use the tweezers for? Pizza?"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Hair comb?"  
  
"Not enough hair"  
  
"Toothbrush?"  
  
"Too hard for my gums"  
  
"Straw?"  
  
"Not hollow"  
  
"Bed Spread?"  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"Keyboard?"  
  
"No keys"  
  
"Mas-"  
  
"SHUT UP!!!" screamed Tifa who had been sick of the pointless conversation from the beginning.  
  
"Barret uses these tweezers to-"  
  
The End  
  
************************************************************************ Well there my very first fic. I think I'll write some more probably a serious one and maybe a couple more comedies. So anyhoo what did YOU think about it that's all I want to know e-mail me natural_being1315@hotmail.com or leave a comment in my guestbook at www.geocities.com/ff7ontheweb it's all appreciated! **************************************************************************** **************************************************************************** *************************** 


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